Confession Time

Okay. As you can tell (and as my sister pointed out), my blogging has become few and far in between and when I do, it is about nothing special. I'm not doing well you guys. This past week has taken a mean turn in terms of dieting and exercise. I'm terrified of stepping on the scale. To be perfectly honest, I have to say that the last time i worked out was last Thursday. I freaking hate it. I lost my student ID, so that alone threw off my routine. Then I had millions of finals and felt like I didn't have time to even breathe. Then Summer hit. I didn't make the show I dreamed about making for years and that got me depressed. So there have just been a number of events that have broken the pattern i worked so hard at creating. I hate it.

SO. I have a plan... ish. I think I'm just going to go at tomorrow like all this never happened. I'm going to wake up, go to the gym (or do a Jillian DVD), then plan my meals. I am now in a Intercession night class from 5-10, so that will help distract me bad habits.

I'm just so disappointed in myself. I hit 219 lbs and I was so pumped and ready to take the world on by storm, then I just completely dropped the ball. I felt so gross and fat today that it's not even funny. I know I sound like some anorexic celebrity model, but it's the truth. I didn't want to even be out in public. Wow that's embarrassing to admit... but I felt the need to spill all the beans.

I need to go to the grocery store and not eat out at all this week, really. Here's my problem. I love my friends. I love them so much I don't want to miss out on a single thing. Today is a perfect example. I woke up, at a lean cuisine, then Emily called and wanted to go to Charleston's to eat. Even though I already ate, I went. AND I ORDERED A MEAL?! What is wrong with me?!?! Ugh it makes me so sad. I just don't want to be left out and our common ground is food. I have to just tell them that eating out is simply not an option for me. I have to stick to what is right and what I know is good for me. I ate ice cream TWICE yesterday. And in large quantities. I'm such a failure. Okay, that was a little mellow dramatic, but I'm just upset.

I also lost a huge driving force for me this past week. I kept thinking about how I needed to get skinnier for Rent auditions and (hopefully) the show. Well, as it turns out, I didn't make it in the cast. Which is fine, it's just that was such a hefty force and incentive for me and now it's gone. I got into this mentality of "Well now I have nothing to look forward to. I tried to get into the best shape I could and STILL, nothing paid off. What's the point of even continuing on?" Don't worry, I have snapped out of that childish phase, but it was just hard to pick myself up, and now I'm feeling the repercussions. I just need to take some time and figure what the next target is. I have several so it won't be difficult, I just need to really set into it. (This may not make any since to you, but it does to me...)

Today is a new day. New possibilities and new goals. Get back on track and keep working on getting my body healthy again. I can do this. Obstacles were made to overcome.

Night